Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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