she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
