Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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