there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
