Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
