Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
