The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
