I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
