I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
