The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
