he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
