You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So much Jack, so little girl.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
