Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
