You can't special order awesome
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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