Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
