i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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