Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
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