I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
