No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
