I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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