I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
