my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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