ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
