I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
