You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
