Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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