You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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