there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
