Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
