when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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