Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
