Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
