hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
