I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
