I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
