Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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