Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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