in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
