I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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