think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
