why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
