I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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