That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
