Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
