i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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