Will you blow on my dice?
I think my vagina is haunted
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
