so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
