These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
