On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My vagina is very pro this idea
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
