this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
