I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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