when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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